Lord Byron Dabbles With Online Poker


With all that chilling          heÕs rob-dog turned by apps

And seeming gladness     schwizzled-out all wherewithal

He had                             been in nuance over-revved

Of fixing memory              the oh-no second harps on

It was not                          pimpsy when card s touched depth

That words can imagine   in the last gasp thatÕs nish


(Glossary of slang:  Rob-dog – Dishonest; Schwizzle – Flying  Shrapnel Sound;  

Pimpsy – Trouble-free;  Nish – Nothing.)




Lord Byron Tweets His Dirge


I speak not                 of maungy ponderables too kludge

There is grief              in large portions, kimshied eyes

But the tear                low rent, janky as a truant

The deep thought      griefly hog-whimpers to a cessy nightfall


(Glossary of slang:  Maungy – Miserable;  Kludge – Cumbersome,  Kimshi – Trouble; 

Janky – Unlucky;  Griefly – Depressing;  Cessy – Foul.)




Lord Byron Buys A Self-Parking Car


Oh! Thine be the gladness   of shoe-gazing convenience

Forgive me adored one        for homestroking all chonged

But the heart                        blisses-out, downright scooby

And man shall not break it   nor a bona polone


(Glossary of slang:  Chonged – Stoned;  Scooby – Delicious;  Bona – Good;

Polone – Woman.)




Lord Byron Effs At The Satnav


Then the few       laughing boys reach crossways in mizzle -

Are driven oÕer    the aberrant splurt

The magnet        unforch is uppy but wack

The shore           so yawnsville, this docklandÕs a RubikÕs Cube


(Glossary of slang:  Laughing Boy – Grumbler;  Splurt – To Leave;  Unforch – Unfortunately;  Uppy – Assertive;  Wack – Inferior.)




Lord Byron Shampoos The Rug


They say that      grit and raggedy-ass orts are retrosexual

   But genuine     muck is the epochÕs backwash  

And memÕry        bell-rings with an open kimono    

   They rose        - dust mites vanish from these mondo pigments


(Glossary of slang:  Mondo – Excellent.)


© Christopher Barnes


Bio:  In 1998 I won a Northern Arts writers award.  In July 200 I read at Waterstones bookshop to promote the anthology 'Titles Are Bitches'.  Christmas 2001 I debuted at Newcastle's famous Morden Tower doing a reading of my poems.  Each year I read for Proudwords lesbian and gay writing festival and I partook in workshops.  2005 saw the publication of my collection LOVEBITES published by Chanticleer Press, 6/1 Jamaica Mews, Edinburgh.


On Saturday 16Th August 2003 I read at the Edinburgh Festival as a Per Verse poet at LGBT Centre, Broughton St.


I also have a BBC web-page http://www.bbc.co.uk/tyne/gay.2004/05/section_28.shtml and http://www.bbc.co.uk/tyne/videonation/stories/gay_history.shtml (if first site does not work click on SECTION 28 on second site.


Christmas 2001 The Northern Cultural Skills Partnership sponsored me to be mentored by Andy Croft in conjunction with New Writing North.  I   made a radio programme for Web FM community radio about my writing group.  October-November 2005, I entered a poem/visual image into the art exhibition The Art Cafe Project, his piece Post-Mark was shown in Betty's Newcastle.  This event was sponsored by Pride On The Tyne.  I made a digital film with artists Kate Sweeney and Julie Ballands at a film making workshop called Out Of The Picture which was shown at the festival party for Proudwords, it contains my poem The Old Heave-Ho.  I worked on a collaborative art and literature project called How Gay Are Your Genes, facilitated by Lisa Mathews (poet) which exhibited at The Hatton Gallery, Newcastle University, including a film piece by the artist Predrag Pajdic in which I read my poem On Brenkley St.  The event was funded by The Policy, Ethics and Life Sciences Research Institute, Bio-science Centre at Newcastle's Centre for Life.  I was involved in the Five Arts Cities poetry postcard event which exhibited at The Seven Stories children's literature building.  In May I had 2006 a solo art/poetry exhibition at The People's Theatre.


The South Bank Centre in London recorded my poem "The Holiday I Never Had", I can be heard reading it on http://www.poetrymagazines.org.uk/magazine/record.asp?id=18456


REVIEWS: I have written poetry reviews for Poetry Scotland and Jacket Magazine and in August 2007 I made a film called 'A Blank Screen, 60 seconds, 1 shot' for Queerbeats Festival at The Star & Shadow Cinema Newcastle, reviewing a poem...see http://www.myspace.com/queerbeatsfestival On September 4 2010, I read at the Callander Poetry Weekend hosted by Poetry Scotland.  I have also written Art Criticism for Peel and Combustus Magazines.  I was involved in The Creative Engagement In Research Programme Research Constellation exhibitions of writing and photography which showed in London (march 13 2012) and Edinburgh (July 4 2013) see

http://www.researchconstellation.co.uk/.  I co-edit the poetry magazine Interpoetry.


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