The Dumbest Court Case Ever

                        I wake up at six and see outside my window a nice chariot that was to bring me to the trial. I was scared shitless since I was thinking that the Queen would remember my face and want to kill me since last time I sang in front of her. I told myself that she’d kill me if I didn’t go. I got out of my bed and put on some clothes. I made myself a small sandwich and tea because I knew there would be no food.

            After the long ride from my cottage to the castle, I arrived to the courthouse at the castle. Everyone was there; Bill the Lizard, Caterpillar, March Hare, and Dormouse. I was wondering on what the hell was going on. I felt as if this was a function and not a trial. The King and Queen then sat down on their thrones with the White Rabbit next to them. The Rabbit was holding an old, dirty trumpet in one hand and a small scroll in the other. A mob of animals and cards began to enter the room, leading them was the Knave of Hearts, chained up and held by two soldiers on each side of him. The White Rabbit blew his trumpet and called for the attention of everyone in the room.

            “Aye! Calm down. We here to see the trial of the Knave of Hearts.”

            At that point, everyone began to calm down. The King, wearing his judge’s wig and crown atop of that, began to sweat and feel uneasy. You could see sweat marks on his robes. As I looked around the room, the juror’s box caught my eye. The jurors were made up of many creatures because they were animals or birds. I was wondering why they wrote stuff on their slates. This thing hasn’t even started.

            “Simmer down!” the White Rabbit screamed. I jumped, spilling my meal all over myself. The King nervously began to scan the crowd to see who was talking. The room was quiet while the jurors continued to write things onto their boards.

            “Read the scroll, Rabbit!” the King cried out.

            The rabbit played his un-tuned trumpet and then read the scroll out: “The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer Day: The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, And took them quite away!”

            The room gasped as they heard the accusation. The king yelled to the jury, “What’s your decision?”

            The rabbit, upset, said “Not yet! We haven’t even got the witnesses to speak. Jeez.”

            “Get the first guy out here!” the King ordered.

The white rabbit blew his trumpet and screamed, “Get up here Mad Hatter!”

I walked up to the stand. I was still eating my bread and drinking my tea. With my mouth filled with tea and bread I said to the King, “Sorry King. I haven’t even finished my food. It’s cool if I still eat it write?”

            “Go on. You should have finished that already,” the King responded with a nervous look. “When you start eating?”

            “Fourteenth of March, I think it was,” I answered back.

            “Fifteenth,” claimed the March Hare.

            “Sixteenth,” the Dormouse added.

            “Write that down,” the King demanded to the jury, who responded in fear.

            “Take off your hat,” the King asked me.

            “It’s not mine,” I retorted back.

            “Thief!” the King exclaimed. He glared at the jury, who were felt his response to the answer.

            “I keep them to sell,” I said. “I don’t got any for myself. I’m a hatter.”

            The Queen put on her old ass glasses and began to look at me funny. I felt like I was about to poop myself. Her old eyes were just bugging me.

            “Just say what you gotta say or I’m gon kill you.” The king said.

            My head started to hurt. I saw images of my head off my body. I began to fidget and sweat. I was trying to eat my food to calm myself, but I bit a piece off of my cup.

            “Bring me the list of the singers in the last concert!” the Queen demanded. My heart began to pace faster and faster and my body began to excessively sweat. I couldn’t control my legs and felt like peeing my pants.

            “Say it, goddammit. I’m just going to kill you if you don’t say shit,” the King repeated with a menacing grunt.

            “I’m broke, King,” I said softly. I couldn’t even pronounce the words correctly. “—and I haven’t drank my tea—not a week or so—my bread and butter are so thin–and the twinkling of my tea—“

            “The twinkling of what?” the King asked.

            “It began with the tea,” I responded.

            “Of course twinkling begins with a T!” the King said harshly. “You think I’m stupid? Go on!”

            “I’m broke and most things twinkle after that—only the March Hare said—“ I replied.

            “I didn’t!” the March Hare interrupted.

            “You did!” I screamed.

            “Uhh uhh,” the March Hare said.

            “He denies it. No more of this nonsense,” the King said.

            “Well the Dormouse said—“ I said, trying to blame someone else. I caught the Dormouse knocked out and snoring. He wouldn’t be able to argue with me. I had to make something up. “After that, I cut some more bread-and-butter—“

            “But what did the Dormouse say?” one of the Jurors asked.

            “I don’t remember,” I shouted back.

            The king was pissed and said, “You MUST remember. Or I’ll chop your head off.”

            I couldn’t say anything and I repeated, “I’m a bad talker.”

            “You’re a really odd one if you ask me,” the King responded. “If that’s it, you can stand down.”

            “I can’t go any lower. I’m on the floor,” I told him.

            “Then you may sit down,” the King replied.

            “I just want to finish my tea.” I said. I was still thinking that the Queen would remember me from that list. I knew I had to get out of here. But how.

            “You may go,” said the King kindly.

            “Goodbye, sire. Sorry for being such a waste of time” I booked it out of the castle and ran straight for my house. I just knew that the Queen would remember my face and name. At least I’m alive still. 


© Ryan Mayuga CaĖete


Ryan Mayuga CaĖete is a high school writer from Cerritos, CA. Sparked by music and art, he takes a unique approach to all of his work. He’s very found of retro and vintage goods like records and sneakers.