I am a helpless boy bound by the command of this dictatorship, the words echo like blaring sirens, alarming and all the more terrifying. I follow everything it tells me to do. 


It is the tape wrapped all over my mouth every time I try to speak.

It is the weight in the air that pushes my hand down every time I try to raise it up.

It is my blood telling me not to get too attached to anyone because everybody leaves.

It is me slitting my wrists because I'm tired of my blood telling me to stay alone.

It is me crying everytime i hold a blade in my hand, because I know everyone else will only care when I'm gone. 

My actions, my words, who i am, what i am are locked away in walls i cannot escape so i grab a pen and write everything down in the straight lines of my notebook.

I am envious of my notebooks.

I am envious of blades. 

I am envious of my pens.

They and my hands can express what my mouth ultimately cannot. 

I am not shy. 

I am not nervous about life. 

I am not meticulous in my every movement. 

But I am petrified of what might happen in the end. 

I'm afraid that life will bail on me like it once has before. 

I'm terrified of the idea of an imperfect aftermath! 

I'm scared to end up alone, one morning, when everyone else has left to live their own lives that they forget mine. 

Today i wanted to talk to someone.

Today i wanted to answer what the teacher asked me.

Today i wanted to tell somebody what i felt.

Today i wanted to kill myself.

Demons live inside us

I fight them all i can

But they always win.






I know nothing better

To feel

Than the scribbles in my stomach

And the butterflies in my mind

As my fingers entangled in yours, 

Your skin tranquil like satin. 

I know nothing better

To hear

Than the humming engine 

As shrill as the silence

We drown in.


Lara Jianni