Three Halloween Songs

By Robert Laughlin

 

 

Joe Black (to the tune of “Joe Cool”)

 

Joe Black:

In the ward,

Making all those criticals

Stiff as a board.

 

Joe Black:

At the home,

Sending off some old folks

Under the loam.

 

Do your job right.

Sure, you get no thanks.

 

Joe Black:

In the street.

Car wrecks and drive-bys

Are on his beat.

 

Joe Black:

Near a tub.

Mommy left her kid alone

To make some grub.

 

Yeah…

Nice change of pace now…

 

 

Mr. Spaceman (to the tune of “Mr. Bassman”)

 

Mr. Spaceman, you smash our military,

Mr. Spaceman, you bring the millenary.

Now we can’t make war with all that stuff we had before.

B-b-b-b-boom-boom-boom-b-boom-b-b-b-b-b-boom-boom

 

Yeah, Mr. Spaceman, your ships are over town,

Hatches b-b-boom-boom open bim-bim-boom-boom-boom

Hey, Mr. Spaceman, gonna show us what they’re like inside,

W-w-w-w-weet-weet-weet-w-weet-w-w-w-w-w-weet-weet

 

You’re levitating us,

Why do they raise a fuss,

Why do they go Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi-agh

 

Hey, Mr. Spaceman, it’s you I’m really seeing,

A normal Earth guy before a higher being,

Oh, Mr. Spaceman, whatever could you want from me?

N-n-n-n-no-no-no-n-no-n-n-n-n-n-no-NO!

 

Slurp, slurp, slurp, suck suck,

Slurp, slurp, slurp, suck suck,

Slurp, slurp, slurp, suck suck,

Slurp, slurp, slurp, suck suck,

Slurp, slurp, slurp, suck suck,

Slurp, slurp, slurp, suck suck…

 

 

Mrs. Talbot’s Lament (to the tune of “The Man That Got Away”)

 

Since our wedding,

I’ve put up with his shedding.

He asks no pardon

For ravaging my garden.

My heirloom silver

Is rotting in its drawer.

 

I knew this marriage would be tough.

His loyalty would be enough.

But every night he serenades

That shameless bitch next door!

 

 

© Robert Laughlin

 

BIO: Robert Laughlin lives in Chico, California. He has published 100 short stories and 200 poems. His website is at www.pw.org/content/robert_laughlin.